Developer rolls out revised plan for Columbines apartment tower

Following months of testy negotiations with neighbors, local developer, Specious Properties, announced a revised plan for, Specious Gardens, its proposed mixed-use development for its quarter acre site in the Columbines. The developer’s former plan featured a seven-story, Soviet-style apartment building with retail on the first floor, 97 units above and eight parking spaces.

While town planning officials heralded the proposed structure, after push-back from neighbors concerning the scale of the project, inadequate parking, atrocious architecture and proposed mix of retail tenants including off-track betting, a tattoo parlor, discount cigarettes and a marijuana dispensary, Specious Properties went “back to the drawing board” and rethought its plans according to company spokesman, Herman Smithman.

The developer’s new plan features a 1970’s East German design with 14 stories, 71 undersized parking spots over two floors, 389 apartments and a new mix of retail tenants including a pawn shop, gun store and a rabid pitbull petting zoo.

With his movie-star good looks on display and dressed to the nines, Mr. Smithman, who once saved a super cute puppy from being run over by a big, mean truck, stated “after discussing the project with the neighborhood, we have truly listened to their concerns and feel our updated design should be a real winner.” In his seductive baritone voice, Mr. Smithman went on to announce a new name for the project, “Schlimm Gartens” reflective of its East German roots.

When contacted for comment on the project, neighbors could only be seen banging their heads against walls. Monthly rents at Schlimm Gartens are anticipated to start at $3,900 for a studio apartment.

Learn more about the naming of the newest Specious Properties development!